it’s cold out this morning
42°, I think the thermometer said.
I toss on a sweatshirt and head down to the lake
still wearing my sweatpants and yesterday’s mascara
the fog is covering the trees like a blanket
I shiver a little,
maybe I should have dressed warmer
but I never can bring myself to
the cold makes me feel alive, I guess.
it’s one of the few things that does these days.
I check my phone
it’s 9:58, I guess I should get ready for work
I walk back inside and go into the bathroom
the mirror is a little dirty
but all I see are dark circles and messy hair
a small mouth
everything I always hated
everything you ever loved.
I don’t feel like washing my hair, and it’s a little cold
I reach for a hat
but my hand shakes a little as soon as it touches the black fabric
you always smiled when I wore that beanie
then force my hands to push it over my dark curly hair.
I drive to work
my phone begins to play your favorite song
I switch it off
roll down the window
and let the wind blow through my hair.
work was boring,
I didn’t do anything different than normal
I need to find a new job, one I like more,
but everytime I walk through the doors
I feel your presence
I see your smile
I hear your laugh
and I never want to leave.
it’s back to sweatpants and netflix.
I wash my dishes,
cook some dinner,
feed my cat.
I call your mom,
I haven’t seen her in a while.
her laugh reminds me so much of you
and it’s hard to keep my voice from cracking
but we both needed to talk to someone
someone who understands.
she’s doing well,
most days are routine
but tomorrow’s her birthday
and you won’t be there for that.
I will come over, I promise her
and what kind of cake would she like?
we talk a little longer
and after hanging up I start to bake her cake
it won’t be like yours,
but it’s the best I can do.
I haven’t even gotten the batter into the pan
I have to stop.
The utensils clatter onto the counter
I can’t hold back the tears.
It’s been 8 months already
you’re everywhere I look
I hear your voice in every man who compliments me
I hear your laugh in every one of your friends when I tell them a joke
and I see your eyes when I look at your father
I’m trying to hold onto the things that make me feel something
like your parents,
and the cold.
but I’m still numb
I’m trying to keep going
but life just isn’t the same