Getting Over You

After You

it’s cold out this morning

42°, I think the thermometer said.

I toss on a sweatshirt and head down to the lake

still wearing my sweatpants and yesterday’s mascara

the fog is covering the trees like a blanket

I shiver a little,

maybe I should have dressed warmer

but I never can bring myself to

the cold makes me feel alive, I guess.

it’s one of the few things that does these days.

I check my phone

it’s 9:58, I guess I should get ready for work

I walk back inside and go into the bathroom

the mirror is a little dirty

but all I see are dark circles and messy hair

a small mouth

too-big eyes

everything I always hated

everything you ever loved.

I don’t feel like washing my hair, and it’s a little cold

I reach for a hat

but my hand shakes a little as soon as it touches the black fabric

you always smiled when I wore that beanie

I pause

then force my hands to push it over my dark curly hair.

I drive to work

my phone begins to play your favorite song

I switch it off

roll down the window

and let the wind blow through my hair.

work was boring,

I didn’t do anything different than normal

I need to find a new job, one I like more,

but everytime I walk through the doors

I feel your presence

I see your smile

I hear your laugh

and I never want to leave.

once home,

it’s back to sweatpants and netflix.

I wash my dishes,

cook some dinner,

feed my cat.

I call your mom,

I haven’t seen her in a while.

her laugh reminds me so much of you

and it’s hard to keep my voice from cracking

but we both needed to talk to someone

someone who understands.

she’s doing well,

she says.

most days are routine

but tomorrow’s her birthday

and you won’t be there for that.

I will come over, I promise her

and what kind of cake would she like?

we talk a little longer

and after hanging up I start to bake her cake

it won’t be like yours,

but it’s the best I can do.

I haven’t even gotten the batter into the pan

I have to stop.

The utensils clatter onto the counter

I can’t hold back the tears.

It’s been 8 months already

and still

you’re everywhere I look

I hear your voice in every man who compliments me

I hear your laugh in every one of your friends when I tell them a joke

and I see your eyes when I look at your father

I’m trying to hold onto the things that make me feel something

like your parents,

and the cold.

but I’m still numb

I’m trying to keep going

but life just isn’t the same

after you.

m.s.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s